I sit once again dreamily in front of the computer, looking onto the dead screen, almost expecting as if some magic beyond incredibility would surface, and whisk my life away. 

The same songs on loop over and over again, milking every emotional effect it has on me until it bores me. Enjoying my last day of holidays but more like clinging tightly to it, afraid that tomorrow will catch up one step too soon. Tomorrow has always been both a sign of despair and hope, as desperation pushes me on, while trepidation, of the things that have no yet come to past, repulses me.

Am I scared of my future? Does tomorrow scares me?

Yes and No. I find my life so perfect yet so lacking sometimes. There are always those moments when you find yourself standing on top of the world, certain that nobody is going to ruin your day, your smile flawless, your confidence impeccable. But there is always that darkness, the unnamed fear that threatens every value of your existence, surrounding me. A shadow in the light, silhouetting the hopes and dreams we spread so meticulously on the path of life.

Where will I be in five years time? How different a life will I lead?

Just as subtle words cannot express more than what they can carry, so is a conscience that is denied of its natural justice cannot bring pure joy to life.

I’m alone. Surrounded by people in a sea of friends, but a lone vessel traveling against the tide of life, and it is saddening that in all other aspects of life that I would have managed well with people and friends, this burden I must carry alone. 

Everyone has something to believe. They need something to believe to.

The world is a hostile place pictured as a fairy tale world to those who so eagerly wants to believe, in every way possible. I used to think of such optimistic things, the natural progress of life, and all events that follow. But such naivety can no longer go alongside our maturity and experience, as we progress on through life. The obstacles, many of which are heart wrenching and emotional, instead of mere problems to solve, haunt my dreams and poison them.

There will never be a happily ever after, for our lives will forever be in the shadows, under demeaning eyes of those vain and daring enough to criticize, or in submission, by those who accepts, but offer only sympathy, not even an ounce of understanding.

I’m desperate. Like a gloomy day when clouds steal away the sun, there is a constant reminder of depression just behind every fits of laughter and every smile. 

Facing the truth, not ready to confront but well past denial.

Life is like a perfect wedding cake ready for the big day that went under the rain.

I walk alone.

I walk alone.

I walk alone.

Under this sky in the realm of men I walk alone, because the fear of betrayal, the very pain that rips through your heart, is far worse, than the long days of loneliness, the despair, the anguish, the helplessness.

We are victim of circumstance, and what transpired goes beyond the will and power of us to change, and transcend the very difference that defines us all. We are thrust into a new world, hostile and eager to explore. But in every aspect of advancement, they still fall into the bonds that hold our society, no more less the cultural dictation, the customs, and the ancient impulses that eschews even the slightest condescending effort to coexist.

I walk alone.

I walk alone.

I walk alone.